“Confidence, I’ve got confidence, my Lord’s going to see me through”, lyrics to a song I sang often as a teen. This is the only confidence that is real in my life, the confidence I have in Christ. Confidence in self is something I have always struggled with, I think I probably hid it well but I have always had confidence issues. Behind my bright smile, I hid the fact that I was and am a shy person, who lacks the confidence I really need.

Sure things over the years have helped to boost my confidence, making the cheerleader squad in Junior high, attending modeling school in high school, meeting my husband, graduating from college, being admitted to seminary. But then I let those failures creep in, or at least they are failures in my eyes, the things I’ve left undone, create a lack of confidence in myself. It is only when I put my full confidence in and draw strength from God that I am able to remain strong and confident.

I am hoping that I can rely fully on the confidence that comes from Christ as I try to stay focused on God and His will and agenda for my life. I know that He has began something in me and in my life that is worth pursuing, worth following after. Another song, “He Who Began a Good Work In You” begins playing in my head….then the verse,

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6

plays as well. The Lord puts all of these things on my heart and mind so that I will remain confident. I am going to continually go to Him because I know He can bring me confidence like no other.

What about you, what gives you confidence?

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Ministry, my heart and soul, is calling me back, truly it is a God thing. It is God calling me to himself. Making me realize I am truly blessed. Making me realize I am called. Confirming that calling, helping me to realize it is time to take yet another step of faith. Yes, last year in March I took the first GIANT step when I resigned from my position as youth & children’s minister at my church to commit to Beauty by Design Ministries full time.

The thing is I know this is what I was suppose to do but over the past year I still haven’t been 100 percent confident in that. I have opted to use other means to make money because of my own insecurities, which I now after attending She Speaks and becoming very convicted believe that I have only limited God by doing this.

I lacked the confidence to write articles and devotions and submit them to Christian publications for print publishing though I in October began to write for others as a ghostwriter and got paid weekly. To me this has been taking the easy way out of following God in faith. It paid the bills, but it wasn’t truly what I set out to do. I have done quite a few speaking engagements but because of fear, feelings of guilt about promoting myself, and lack of confidence I don’t believe I have done what I could have.

After She Speaks I realize I have been wrong. This ministry (Beauty by Design Ministries) isn’t mine, it’s God’s and it is all about Him. By promoting it, and speaking to teen and tween girls, and writing articles and devotions to them, is after all promoting God and what He has for their lives. I am going to refocus on that and I am going to recommit myself to HIM and HIS WILL for Beauty by Design Ministries. I am going to invest MUCH more of my time and energy into it, as well as invest in it financially, trusting Him to not only provide for the ministry but also my family, rather than trying to do it on my own as I have for months now.

I am going to take another giant step of faith by stepping back from some of the ghostwriting I’ve been doing, not adding anymore at this time on top of my current clients, not pursuing anymore “sideline” projects as I have in the past few months doing nearly ANYTHING LEGAL to make money ok not really, but I have done some VA type jobs, Wordpress installs and other things just because I thought I needed the money. It’s been too much about money and not enough about ministry.

It has been way too much of my agenda and as the theme of She Speaks said “I want to move my agenda aside in favor of God’s will”. So, I am clearing the right of way Lord, show me your path!

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As I lay here in bed still this morning, this last day of “She Speaks” so many questions fill my head.  Ok what do I do about??  When do I do?  What does God want from this?  How do I apply that?  How can I really do that?  Am I really a blogger, a speaker, a writer?

Wow the questions that are whizzing through my head faster than I can even type, and I type fast.

This conference has been absolutely amazing. Better than I ever dreamed.  Something only God could orchestrate.  I have met bloggers, speakers. writers, leaders, women, all called, called out by God, and I am one of them.  Never before have I felt so much like I fit.  I’m not sure you’ll understand but I think some of the ladies whom I have met here will certainly agree.

Though many of them I have NEVER met before, while others I may have read their blogs are chatted with on Twitter, we all seem to have this special connection.  The connection I have always known as a “divine connection”.  The connection I have felt before but not often, because God only allows it to happen just a certain number of times in our lives.  This is one of those times.

So, whether or not I am leaving here with questions, it’s ok.  Because what is awesome is that I know GOD can answer all those questions, and I know that over time, he will.  So, just as I anticipated and looked forward to She Speaks for the divine appointments and possibilities it held.

I now look forward to going home, to experience the divine appointments and possibilities that God has….. so much to look forward to, besides just seeing God provide the answers for the questions he’s placed on my heart while I am here, but also to see him work in my daily life, as over the next few weeks. I have so very much to look forward to, so many blessings to experience.  As I lie here thinking about them, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with joy at the honor he bestows upon me by putting those blessings into my life.

Blessings like being able to minister to children in VBS tomorrow morning  (Monday) bright and early after I arrive home from She Speaks, blessings like birthing my 3rd child, whenever God sees fit (hopefully sooner than later), as he’s due July 14, and blessings that will come sooner, like this afternoon when I get to kiss my 2 precious babies that I am longing to hold right now as momma has been away for 3 days now……….

Thank you LORD for those blessings, even if they are sometimes questions that are whirling through my mind.

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