New Life

Welcome back!

With this opportunity for change in my life, I am grateful that my God is a God of 2nd chances, and in my case even 3rd or 4th chances. I have wondered, when God spoke to me over the past few months, probably even years, why I didn’t listen.  It is a blessing that He is a God who never stops pursuing us and that His plan for every sinner is that we be born again and stay in His will.

You’ll need a little background to truly get what I am feeling right now.  I am feeling as I have been given “new life”.  It isn’t that I wasn’t saved, but I feel that God slowly over the years has revealed to me more and more about the Christian life.

First, I experienced salvation as a “little” child.  Salvation is so simple that even little children can understand it.  I do believe I was saved at that young age, but it wasn’t until I was a teenager that I began to experience more of what the Christian life includes, in this case temptation. I began being tempted with lies and with other evil and worldly things and I gave in to those things.  My most rebellious days were my young teen years when I lied to my parents and did things that I knew were wrong.  When my parents confronted me I felt that guilt and shame.  I remember repenting and asking my Heavenly Father for forgiveness and that guilt and shame being lifted from me.  It felt as if a weight had been lifted physically from my shoulders.

Until yesterday, I had not  often experienced that feeling again in my life.  Yesterday I realized God was revealing to me that my life once again contained unforgiven sin.  Sin which was hindering my relationships and ultimately my life.  It was keeping me from “living”, which is why I believe I have now been given new life.

This time the sin was different,  it was the sin of NOT listening to God.  I was guilty of doing too many good things, which was causing me to not pay attention to the little things in life that needed my attention, most of all my family, my home and myself.   Because, I admitted my sins and asked for His forgiveness and the forgiveness of those loved ones that were held captive because of my sin.  That guilt and shame once again has been lifted from me.  I am at peace and I have been given new life!

I’m Not Perfect

I feel like everyone around me sees me as perfect, or at least they see me as always “striving” to be perfect.  In all honesty that’s the way I’ve been living for too long.  Striving … to be perfect . . to be what everyone else wants me to be, even what I thought I wanted to be, but not ever giving myself a chance or an opportunity to just be, to live, to breath.

My whole life I’ve been living up to perfectionist standards, but I am finally giving in and quitting that rat race.  God has been speaking to me for a long time about giving up perfection.  Unfortunately for me, I haven’t listened, at least not until now.  I am officially quitting the rat race, no more chasing after too many things and never giving everything what it needs.  No more sacrificing my family for my own desires, I am finally realizing what God desires most from me, and that is to just be.

Tears rolled down my face when I finally realized that what I need more than anything is to give in to God’s promptings to be – be a wife, be a mom, be me. That means I’m giving up some of what I feel called to, what I love, but I know it won’t be forever, but for a time it is going to be necessary.  Because I love my husband and my children more than  that. I’m giving up spending so much time pouring myself into Beauty by Design.   I will still speak on occasion, but the blog, newsletter and products aren’t going to be what I pump myself into each day anymore.

As I’ve been seeking to find ministry to do and running myself ragged trying to do it, it’s been right under my fingertips all along and I have sadly been ignoring it too much of the time, or at least giving it my second best.  Just recently, I told a lady in my church I could no longer serve in a position because I didn’t want to give it less than 100%, but I’ve been giving my family less than 100% of me for a long time.  {gasp} Did I just say that?  Yes I did because it is true.

No more.  I have admitted my wrongs to my husband, I’ve admitted my wrongs to God and now I’m admitting my wrongs to you.  First things must come first,  I’m not perfect, but I am committing myself to God, to my husband and to my babies, fresh and new.

Things I Feel Guilty About

So, I’ve been fighting the fact that I can’t find anything to blog about, or maybe I should say I can’t find the time to blog here. Even though I want to, I long to, I enjoy it when I do, and miss it when I don’t. The fact is my life is busy, full, lively, and most of the time fun. That doesn’t keep me from feeling guilty about the things I can’t seem to get around too all the time, such as:

1. Blogging here, as I just mentioned often enough. (It has been over a week since my last post.)
2. The dirty dishes in my sink.
3. My messyliving room, bedroom, house.
4. That I don’t take my kids to story time at the local library.
5. That I don’t call my momma every day.
6. That I don’t make it to church every Sunday, even though it has been due to sick kids.

What about you? Do you have things you find yourself . . . not being able to do, though you want to, you mean to? Please share!

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